The worst day of my life...

When I was almost 39 weeks pregnant, I was sitting in church on a Saturday night.  I felt her moving very softly and I wrapped my arms around my belly like I did so many times before.  Thinking back now, I believe that is when she died. 
I remember that she would kick and turn and move so much that every night it would wake me up several times.  That Saturday night, I slept through the whole night.  I didn't feel her move and thought that was strange.  Sunday was a very full day for me and I was busy with housework and the other two children.  There were two times when I stopped and thought that I hadn't felt the baby moving for quite a while.  Then I just thought that it must be because I was at the end of the pregnancy and babies get so cramped that their movement slows down.  By Monday morning, and another still night, I was very concerned.  I told my husband that I was going to call the doctor and try to get in to see someone that day.  I got an appointment at 11:00 that morning.  I should have gone straight to the hospital, but it wouldn't have mattered at that point.  My husband met me at the doctor's office and they hooked me up to a machine that recorded the baby's heart beat.  I laid on that table for 15 excruciating minutes listening to my own heart beat being amplified and recorded on a piece of paper.  The technician then brought me into another room for an ultrasound because the heartbeat was not what a baby's heart beat should sound like.  duh!  It was mine!  There was no heart beat on the ultrasound.  The technician says, "Oh my God, there is no heart beat... I have to get the doctor."  and she quickly runs from the room and returns with a doctor (not my doctor).  He looks at the screen and says these very heartless cold words that I will never forget, "I'm sorry, but your baby has expired."

They then left the room so that my husband and I could be alone and we just held each other and wept.

My doctor was at the hospital already, so they sent news to her and we went directly there.  I asked her to just perform a cesarean on me (my second one) so that I didn't have to be induced and push out a dead baby. 

I was full of mixed emotions.  On one hand, I wanted her out as soon as I could, knowing that she was gone.  On the other hand, I didn't want to let her go.  I hugged my belly the whole time while waiting for my surgery. 

I wanted to see my children more than anything, so my husband went to pick up my oldest daughter early from kindergarten.  It felt so good to see my sweet little ones come into that room and snuggle up with me on the hospital bed.

All three of my children together

After Ellie was born, they brought me into the recovery room and waited for me to calm down.  I was shaking so hard and I didn't want to see my baby until I was calm and could hold her.
They brought in a bassinet with the sweetest little tiny baby girl in it.  She was dressed in a diaper and little pajamas, a hat and wrapped in a sweet pink blanket. 

In her Daddy’s arms

Ellie weighed 8 lbs. and was 21 inches long!  She was perfectly formed, so beautiful and so still.  The hospital staff said that she looked like she had been gone for at least 24 hours, but I know it was almost two days. 

They gave us a box with some of her footprints and hand prints, some of her hair, her clothes and some pictures they took of her.  That was very nice of them to put this box together for us, but I would have rather had my baby girl.

After Ellie was born I asked my doctor what had happened to her. She said that Ellie's umbilical cord was wrapped around one of her ankles two times and the other ankle once. This caused it to compress and cut off the blood and oxygen flow to the baby. I'm not sure, but I believe she just went to sleep and died peacefully. I sure hope so.

According to the March of Dimes research, 1 in every 200 pregnancies will end in stillbirth with cord accidents making up 2 - 4% of those deaths.  So you can see that umbilical cord accidents are very rare, but they do happen more than we know.  Since this day, I have heard about the same thing happening to so many other families.

Please watch the following video if you are pregnant or know someone that is pregnant.  I wish I was aware of this while I was.

I feel like a piece of my soul died that day with her, and I will never get it back.  I will never get over loosing her, but I do find encouragement in knowing that I will see her again one day!  I don't know why God allowed this to happen to us.  But I am thankful that He chose me to carry her her whole life.

 

'I am worn out from [all my] groaning; all night long I flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears. My eyes grow weak with sorrow.'

Psalm 6:6-7

Ellie's name means "Giver of Light"
We had that engraved on her little urn

'Yes, we are fully confident, and we would rather be away from these earthly bodies, for then we will be at home with the Lord.'

2 Corinthians 5:8

Ellie, you are forever in my heart