My Pregnancy

When I first found out that I was pregnant with our third baby I was scared!  I didn't know how I was going to manage with three children when I was still nursing our son and he was still in diapers.  I was busy enough with a five year old and a one year old, I could hardly get anything done!  Well, it wasn't long before my feelings of fear turned into feelings of excitement.  Who was this child I was carrying?  Was it a boy or girl?  (we didn't plan on finding out the baby's gender)  Would they look more like Mommy or Daddy?  Would they be another 10-pounder?  Could I do a VBAC or would I have to have another cesarean?  Would they have their sister's artistic and musical talents, or brother's smarts?

When our second child was born, I had to have a cesarean because my doctor felt there was a risk of Shoulder Dystocia.  His measurements in the ultrasound were so large!  When he was weighed at 10.7 lbs. I was thankful I didn't have to push him out. 

With the third child, I felt that a VBAC was the way to go, but I wasn't going to be heartbroken if I had to have another cesarean birth.  I felt close to my doctor and felt like I could trust her opinion.  I was growing so big all throughout my pregnancy even though I gained less than the other two.  The way I carried her, I looked huge!  People everywhere would stop me and ask, "are you sure you don't have twins in there?"  I can't tell you how many times I heard that one!  Everyone thought I was going to have a boy although I felt deep down that it was a girl.  I had already had one girl and one boy and this one just felt like a girl.

Since we didn't plan on finding out the baby's gender, I had to prepare for a boy or a girl.  I bought a little wooden cradle and set it up next to my bed.  I had white and light green and yellow blankets and little clothes that either could wear.  I spent time nesting and cleaning and sewing little tiny shoes.  My doctor told me that I must stop breastfeeding my 19 month old son because his nursing was causing me some painful Braxton Hicks contractions, but other than that, my pregnancy was great, without any problems.

5 months pregnant with Ellie on our trip to Maui

Holding Ellie in my last month of pregnancy

One of my favorite things about being pregnant is feeling the baby moving and turning inside my belly.  I've talked to lots of mothers and this seems to be a favorite pregnancy moment among all mothers.  It is finally proof you can feel yourself; a real baby moving around and growing, a real person.

'For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.' 

Psalm 139:13

Ellie would kick and dance like this all the time!  I just happened to have my phone this time and got to film her.  I'm so glad I did.  I had no idea that two weeks later would be the last time I ever felt her move.

The worst day of my life...

When I was almost 39 weeks pregnant, I was sitting in church on a Saturday night.  I felt her moving very softly and I wrapped my arms around my belly like I did so many times before.  Thinking back now, I believe that is when she died. 
I remember that she would kick and turn and move so much that every night it would wake me up several times.  That Saturday night, I slept through the whole night.  I didn't feel her move and thought that was strange.  Sunday was a very full day for me and I was busy with housework and the other two children.  There were two times when I stopped and thought that I hadn't felt the baby moving for quite a while.  Then I just thought that it must be because I was at the end of the pregnancy and babies get so cramped that their movement slows down.  By Monday morning, and another still night, I was very concerned.  I told my husband that I was going to call the doctor and try to get in to see someone that day.  I got an appointment at 11:00 that morning.  I should have gone straight to the hospital, but it wouldn't have mattered at that point.  My husband met me at the doctor's office and they hooked me up to a machine that recorded the baby's heart beat.  I laid on that table for 15 excruciating minutes listening to my own heart beat being amplified and recorded on a piece of paper.  The technician then brought me into another room for an ultrasound because the heartbeat was not what a baby's heart beat should sound like.  duh!  It was mine!  There was no heart beat on the ultrasound.  The technician says, "Oh my God, there is no heart beat... I have to get the doctor."  and she quickly runs from the room and returns with a doctor (not my doctor).  He looks at the screen and says these very heartless cold words that I will never forget, "I'm sorry, but your baby has expired."

They then left the room so that my husband and I could be alone and we just held each other and wept.

My doctor was at the hospital already, so they sent news to her and we went directly there.  I asked her to just perform a cesarean on me (my second one) so that I didn't have to be induced and push out a dead baby. 

I was full of mixed emotions.  On one hand, I wanted her out as soon as I could, knowing that she was gone.  On the other hand, I didn't want to let her go.  I hugged my belly the whole time while waiting for my surgery. 

I wanted to see my children more than anything, so my husband went to pick up my oldest daughter early from kindergarten.  It felt so good to see my sweet little ones come into that room and snuggle up with me on the hospital bed.

All three of my children together

After Ellie was born, they brought me into the recovery room and waited for me to calm down.  I was shaking so hard and I didn't want to see my baby until I was calm and could hold her.
They brought in a bassinet with the sweetest little tiny baby girl in it.  She was dressed in a diaper and little pajamas, a hat and wrapped in a sweet pink blanket. 

In her Daddy’s arms

Ellie weighed 8 lbs. and was 21 inches long!  She was perfectly formed, so beautiful and so still.  The hospital staff said that she looked like she had been gone for at least 24 hours, but I know it was almost two days. 

They gave us a box with some of her footprints and hand prints, some of her hair, her clothes and some pictures they took of her.  That was very nice of them to put this box together for us, but I would have rather had my baby girl.

After Ellie was born I asked my doctor what had happened to her. She said that Ellie's umbilical cord was wrapped around one of her ankles two times and the other ankle once. This caused it to compress and cut off the blood and oxygen flow to the baby. I'm not sure, but I believe she just went to sleep and died peacefully. I sure hope so.

According to the March of Dimes research, 1 in every 200 pregnancies will end in stillbirth with cord accidents making up 2 - 4% of those deaths.  So you can see that umbilical cord accidents are very rare, but they do happen more than we know.  Since this day, I have heard about the same thing happening to so many other families.

Please watch the following video if you are pregnant or know someone that is pregnant.  I wish I was aware of this while I was.

I feel like a piece of my soul died that day with her, and I will never get it back.  I will never get over loosing her, but I do find encouragement in knowing that I will see her again one day!  I don't know why God allowed this to happen to us.  But I am thankful that He chose me to carry her her whole life.

 

'I am worn out from [all my] groaning; all night long I flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears. My eyes grow weak with sorrow.'

Psalm 6:6-7

Ellie's name means "Giver of Light"
We had that engraved on her little urn

'Yes, we are fully confident, and we would rather be away from these earthly bodies, for then we will be at home with the Lord.'

2 Corinthians 5:8

Ellie, you are forever in my heart

Tiny Dancer

Ellie’s tiny footprints

My mother wrote this poem for Ellie:

Tiny Dancer

(For Ellie from Grandma)

Twirling and whirling

Turning and spinning

Over and under you dance.

We watch with amazement and know it must be that

You'll be a dancer one day

One day, you'll be a dancer one day.

Dreams of your childhood pondered in thought,

Your little bed that your mother bought

What color for walls?  What choice for a toy?

Will I be buying for a girl or a boy?

Oh I know it must be that you'll be a dancer one day

One day, you'll be a dancer one day.

A tiny grasp on a finger as

Tightly to mother you'll cling.

Gently and softly she'll rock you

Sweetly she'll nurse you and sing.

Her kisses will soothe all tears away

Rocking till slumber gives sway

Oh, a dancer you'll be one day

One day, a dancer you'll be one day.

One day you'll prance down the hallway

Your sister will lead the way

A veteran dancer; she'll show you how

Brother too, will valiantly bow

And you'll dance the day away,

You'll dance the day away.

Though it wasn't to be that your feet touch the ground

But land on Heavenly soil

Where with the angels your voice now has sound

And you'll never know earth's toil

So dance tiny dancer, dance!

Dance before the King

Jump with glee for eternity

Join with the angels in glad symphony

And dance, tiny dancer, DANCE!

By Jo Lynn Dietz

August 30, 2010

I Will Carry You (Audrey's Song)

These are Ellie's little hand and feet prints

The words of this song are exactly how I feel.  This was written by parents who also lost a baby girl.  I have also found comfort in reading the book written by Audrey's mother, Angie Smith also called 'I Will Carry You'.

This song has been so comforting for me, but I can't hear the song or read the words without crying.

I Will Carry You (Audrey's Song) by Selah

There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?

People say that I am brave but I'm not
Truth is I'm barely hanging on
But there's a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this

[Chorus]

I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One who's chosen me
To carry you

Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says...

I've shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?
[Chorus]

My Mother's Necklace

Kyah, Oliver and Ellie - my three babies

I really wanted a necklace to show that I had three children, something I could wear everyday to publically say that she is one of my children too.

There are many beautiful necklaces out there for mothers, but they are also expensive.

My grandmother had these charms for each of her grandchildren back in the sixties (long before I was born) and she gave them to my mother when she was a teenager.  Well, my mother still had them!  She gave them to me and I had them engraved with my children's names.  I wear it proudly.

Ellie's Tree

We planted a little Camellia tree in remembrance of Ellie in our backyard.  At her memorial, we each wrote a note to her and tied them to the tree.  The one in the picture below is from her big sister.  We thought we got a white Camellia tree, but had a big surprise when it bloomed in light pink!

I was so happy!

Light a Candle

Ellie Noel

October 15th is Worldwide Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day.

Please light a candle at 7:00 PM for one hour in remembrence of Ellie and all the other babies that have been taken from us too soon.

Please read this website for more information:  http://www.october15th.com